Pet Profile - By Author and Horsewoman, Tawny O’Hara
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| Domino |
It is the last end of winter here in the high desert of
New Mexico. The air is crisp but not cold but I put my jacket on anyway. I knew
as the day goes on it’s going to end up in the back seat and soon there will be
that usual clean out of all the hoodies and jackets and coats from the back
seat of my truck.
Driving up my road, I surveyed my land and thought about
when I will get the money to fix the fencing and replace the barbed wire with
smooth wire. However, I love those old gnarled and grey cedar posts put in
there years ago by someone long dead and gone, but I hate the barb wire that is
now limp and swaying between them.
I turned onto the paved road and headed towards town.
Usually I honk when I get to my friend Roy’s homestead and if he’s out he waves
back, but that day was different. He had a new resident in his front pasture
and I had to slow down to stare at this animal. It’s a Pinto horse. I’ve never
been that drawn to Pintos; and I don’t know why this one seemed to grab at me.
Instead of just honking and driving on, I pulled up to his
gate and honked a couple of times. Roy came up from the back of the house
waving his usual big cowboy hand at me. Getting out of the truck, I leaned on
the fence not wanting to go in uninvited because of the three blue heelers
ready to take on any intruders. They don’t seem to care if they’ve seen you a
million times; until you are invited in by Roy or his wife, Vickie, you just
don’t go in.
“What’s that in your pasture there?” I pointed towards the
Pinto horse.
Roy ambled up to the gate opening it as he speaks. “Well
I’m boarding him for a while for a crazy woman. Come on in and take a look at
him.”
The dogs retreat but stay ready just in case. Roy opened
the gate and left me to close it after I came in, and went over to the gate to
the pasture expecting me to follow him.
“What do you mean by crazy?” I asked. That’s the thing I
like most about Roy. He tells it like it is and I guess we get along because I
do too.
“Oh I guess she ain’t too bad for an easterner. She
rescued this horse from some Mexican cowboys. He was sold at auction as a wild
mustang from the Apache reservation. They couldn’t break him but they did a lot
of beating to get him down and he never went down I guess. But she’s really
afraid of him. She comes and throws apples at him and when he comes up to get
corn she gets back.”
He opens the lid of the metal trash can and took out a
handful of cracked corn. “He loves this stuff and that’s the only way I can get
him to come over here, besides feeding time. I throw out the hay here,” He
indicated a small feeding trough, “and that horse waits until I leave before he
comes over to eat. He don’t trust no one.”
Roy lets out a whistle to get the Pinto’s attention and
holds out his hand with the corn. I was watching the horse and saw he was also
watching us and has been watching us all along. I think there really wasn’t a
reason to try and get his attention as he was already pretty aware of what was
going on, just pretending to not notice us.
Finally the Pinto put his head up and stood there staring
at us for a moment then moved with small slow steps towards us. Roy is
encouraging him calling his name, which is Domino, and wiggling his hand back
and forth.
“Why is his name Domino?” I ask thinking that a strange
name for a horse.
“Look on his left side there’s a picture of a domino on
it, you know, the kind you play dominos with.” Roy said indicating towards his
right with the corn filled hand.
As Domino gets closer he gets bigger. I don’t believe I
have ever seen a painted horse that big in my life. His legs are thick and he
looks strong. Good looking horse except for the massive matting in his mane and
tail. Although I don’t know that much about horses, this horse looks strong and
healthy.
“Geez, Roy, that horse needs a good grooming!” I comment
as the horse stopped far enough away so no one can grab him around the neck and
stretched to eat the corn, then backed up. He didn’t leave and I knew it’s
because there could possibly be more corn.
“Yeah,” Roy says and reaches in for another handful of
corn and offered it to Domino. “No one can get close enough to him to do that.
I’ve been around horses all my life but I’m too old and brittle to tangle with
him. Why don’t you try and feed him?” Domino stretched his neck out again to
get the corn in Roy’s hand.
I reach in and got a handful and stuck my arm out as far
as I could and offer the corn to Domino. Then I saw something different from
when he was taking the corn from Roy. He was staring at me and not in a mean
way. He was just looking hard at me. I looked him in the eyes, something you
aren’t supposed to do with any animal, but it was more like contact and not
like dominance. We stood there in silence just looking at each other, sharing
thoughts. I have never seen nor felt such an inner connection like that to a
horse before.
There was thought and feeling in that moment, between us
that I can’t describe. I just know I felt an extreme sadness and loss. Then he
stepped a step forward and took the corn from my hand. He gave me a final look
and then turned and went back to the other end of the pasture.
“Now that’s a spark if I ever saw one.” Roy said breaking
the silence. “That horse likes you.”
“Now how can you say that?”
“Well there’s something there I’ve only seen a few times
in my life and that was a strong connection you two just had. That horse is
meant for you.”
“Nah,” shaking myself back to reality. “There ain’t no way
I can afford a horse and besides I don’t have a corral or money to build one.”
“Ah, Tawny, you know if you set your mind to it you could
find the money. I know you pretty well,” Roy said as he placed the lid back on
the can and we walk back to the entrance gate. We small talked a bit and I got
back into the truck and drove on.
Something inside of me bothered me really bad. The horse
had reached in and taken control of my soul for just a moment, and I had taken
control of his, and for some reason I felt that more than a little
disconcerting. Over the years I have rescued many dogs that didn’t read me as well
as that. Sure I had loved those dogs, and I loved the ones I have now, and we
connected – but somehow this was different, although I couldn’t explain it. I
puzzled, I pondered, I wondered and daydreamed about Domino all the way into
town.
The next day I had to go to the doctor in town and while
driving home, I slowed down going by Roy’s homestead, but this time I didn’t
honk. I saw Domino in the small pasture and, as God is my witness, he looked my
way. He seemed to recognize my truck.
Several days passed before I had to go to town again. This
time I took a few carrots to give to Domino. I pulled up to Roy’s gate and got
out of the truck, but he wasn’t at home. I felt a little disappointed. As I was
getting ready to get back into the truck, I heard a small snort coming from
behind me. I looked around and there was Domino, standing at the corner of the
fence, looking at me.
“Hey there, Domino! How you doing? You want a carrot?” I
walked slowly over to the fence, and he thought better of it and stepped back.
And yet he didn’t leave, so I stretched my arm across the fence. He stretched
his neck up to the carrot and took a small bite. He stood there watching me as
he savored the piece of carrot. Then he took another bite, leaving me with just
a small stub of carrot.
“You are going to have to get closer to get the rest,” I
told him, “because I’m not holding this little stub while you take a finger
with the next bite.” Domino stopped chewing and looked at me, like he was
trying to figure out how to get the carrot without moving closer; or perhaps he
was wondering just how safe I was. He walked slowly up to me and, using only
his lips, gently picked the rest of the carrot out of my palm. Then he stepped
back just as quickly. I think he appreciated the fact that I hadn’t made a move
to pet him.
I turned and got into the truck, while he stood there
chewing on that last bit of carrot. He watched me closely as I drove away
towards town. I don’t know why, but I looked in my side mirror and saw him
leaning his head over the fence, to better watch me leave. I couldn’t help
myself. Every day I made an excuse to go to town, just so I could see that
horse. Or perhaps I would go visiting someone who just happened to live past
Roy’s, making it necessary for me to drive past his homestead so I could stop
at the gate.
As it happened I always seemed to have a carrot or two, or
sometimes an apple to give to Domino. On one of my random visits, Roy opened
the little gate leading into Domino’s ¼ acre corral, and he said with a knowing
smile, “Why don’t you go inside to give Domino that apple, Tawny? He ain’t
gonna hurt you. He’s your horse.”
I didn’t really believe him, but I went in anyway. There
was no fear inside of me, as there perhaps should have been. After all, this
was is a big, wild, angry horse. He could have decided to take out and run me
over or rare up and stomp me to death without giving me a minute’s warning.
Domino was watching from the other end, and suddenly he started
walking towards me with his head slightly down, and yet he was watching my
every move. He stopped about ten feet in front of me, and I stopped too. It was
a showdown! More like a quick draw of minds. Who was going to draw first? He
gave a snort and then pawed the ground. I snorted back and then I, too, pawed
the ground with my foot. Domino quickly raised his head, his ears standing up
straight and pointing towards me like satellite dishes. He took a step back. I
turned around and held the apple in front of me so he couldn’t see it.
Finally I heard a shuffling sound. I felt his breath on my
hair as he smelled me. Turning around very slowly, I glanced at his face and he
took another step back. He was so close to me that I could have reached out and
touched him, but I didn’t. I offered him the apple and he took it in small
bites, chewing each one before coming back for more. He watched me intently as
he took each bite of the apple, our eyes locked together. Neither one
submitted, and yet neither one dominated. I think he understood that it was a
connecting eye-lock, not a battle. I think, from that moment on, I was almost
certainly in love with that horse. My heart was beating fast out of love, not
fear, not mere excitement – it was that steady thump, thump, thump you feel
when you’re in love. I knew this horse, and he knew me. I turned on my heels
and went back to the gate, and Roy was standing there smiling.
“Yip, that’s your horse,” he said as we walked. Then his
voice turned into a serious tone. “You know, I bet that woman would sell him
for the right price.”
“Yeah, bet she would,” I said with a laugh. “Do you think
she’d take twenty-seven dollars and fifty cents, cause that’s about all I have
right now?”
Roy laughed and followed me to the gate as I got back into
the truck. This time I simply turned the truck around and went back home, as I
felt I didn’t need any false reason to go on. The reasons for my visits had
clearly been found out, and I was confused. How could a woman my age take care
of a horse like that? I had no money, I had no place to put a horse, the
pasture wasn’t fenced; I already had a goat I had bought from Roy when it was
only a three-week-old kid, plus my two rescued Great Danes and a coy dog. No, I
just couldn’t afford to keep a horse.
A sudden feeling of anger came over me as I turned onto
the dirt road leading to my property. “Why can’t I have this?” I asked. “I
never ask anything of you, God! Well, I seldom ask anything from you. And when
I do, it’s for food or money to pay bills. But this is totally different. You
said you would give me all the desires of my heart. Maybe … maybe I just don’t
deserve this horse. OK, Maybe I can’t afford this horse. I’m just being stupid
and self-centered again. Besides, he ain’t even broke – and I sure as hell
can’t break him. I mean, why have a horse you can’t even ride? This is just
stupid.”
A small tear welled up in my eye, but it was quickly
suppressed. I knew the total impossibility of this foolhardy desire. The good
times I had spent with horses were several lifetimes ago and I was now sixty
years old. That was way too old for me to try and break a big horse like that.
Besides, I didn’t know that much about horses. I know dogs, so I will just
stick with what I know. By the time I pulled into the house I had pretty much
talked myself out of the idea of inviting Domino into my life, into my world.
And yet, no matter how hard I tried, my dreams wouldn’t let up on him. I awoke
the following morning feeling free and yet really sad. I had dreamt that I was
riding Domino across the desert – we were fighting bad guys together! There he
was, rescuing me from one disaster after another! I was a young girl again with
my long auburn hair flying back in symmetry with his mane as we flew in a
steady gait across sand and cactus and over mountains. It was just Domino and me
escaping, always escaping. I simply couldn’t stand not seeing that horse.
I finally gave in and going to the refrigerator, I fetched
one carrot, got into the truck and drove over to Roy’s without trying to think
of excuses. As I pulled up to the gate I couldn’t see Domino, so I honked a
couple of times before getting out. The racket of barking dogs announced my
arrival, and Roy’s wife came out onto the porch. “Hey, how are you doing?” I
yelled as she wove her way through the dogs, yelling at them to shut up.
“Oh, we’re fine,” she said as she leaned on the gate. “I
don’t know where Roy has gone, but he should be back soon.” Her voice sounded
disgusted. I didn’t know whether she was disgusted at Roy, or at me.
“Well,” I said in a rather shaky tone, “I just came to
give Domino a carrot. Where is he?” I looked towards the small pasture. Roy’s
wife turned around and followed my gaze. Then she leaned back on the gate
gently pushing a dog aside with her foot.
“That woman brought the sheriff and said Roy was abusing
the horse and she wanted her horse back. So she took it owing Roy around $500
in hay bills.”
Vickie was noticeably upset and frustrated, apparently
with life in general at this point. “Roy knew she was a kook and he was the
last person who would take that horse. But he’s got a soft heart for horses and
I guess he did it more for the horse.” Vickie stops to yell at the dogs to quit
barking. “She does that with every place she boards him. When the payment comes
due she goes and gets the sheriff to help her.”
My horse was gone. I felt like my heart had been pulled
out of my chest and lying helpless on the ground barely beating. But I tried to
suck it up and maintain.
“Do you know where she lives?” I ask not knowing what I
can do as I have no money to buy him and no place to put him.
“Nope,” she as she at the soft sugar sand soil at her feet
kicking up a small cloud of dust.
“Why is the sheriff’s office doing that? Don’t they
recognize the horse by now and know he continues to look the same every time
they help her pull him out of a place?” I was puzzled at this scenario as it
didn’t seem to make sense.
“Tawny!” Vickie looks at me with surprise and a smile on
her face. “Don’t you know the sheriff’s department round here by now? She must
have a sheriff friend she calls every time, to help her. I doubt that she calls
the dispatch.” I have to concur that Vickie is right and she was gone, gone,
gone with my horse.
I bade my friend goodbye and got back in my truck with my
carrot, I sat in the truck for a moment and watched Vickie yell and kick her
way back to the house. Heading home I didn’t blame God I didn’t even yell at
God that day. I couldn’t shed tears I couldn’t speak. I just felt hollow
inside. Pulling up to the house I turned the truck off and just sat for a moment.
There’s the carrot lying quietly beside me on the passenger seat. We were just
sharing a moment, me empty and the carrot probably ecstatic that it wasn’t
going to be eaten that day. But it didn’t move just laid there. Looking at the
carrot I felt we shared the same feeling… nothingness.
I picked the carrot up and started to go into the house
but then stopped and walked to the north side of the house. I could see a
corral just here and the shelter, well that would be here, I calculated
stepping off the area. I realized I was being just as kooky as that woman in a
different way, although, sort of the same. She rescued a horse and had no money
or place to take him. But she rescued him, the thought was there. I’m not being
that much different. There is something special about that horse and I will
never know what it is. I raise my face up towards the sky and then a tear comes
to my eye. “I guess, God, it’s pretty evident the promises in the Bible aren’t
meant for me.”
I guess my preacher uncle who pulled me up to the podium
to preach about bad seeds was right. I remember that day. There to his right
were my three girl cousins who were around my age about 6-8 years old. And I
was standing on his left and kind of pleased to be chosen to go up to the
podium. Then he started preaching about the farmer who sowed his seed on bad
ground and some on good ground. The bad seeds reaped no good harvest but the
good seed sprouted forth… or something like that and he indicated my girl
cousins as the good harvests and me as the bad harvest. Then I saw my Grandpa
pull his lanky frame out of the pew and walk angrily up to my uncle right in
the middle of his sermon. He grabbed my hand and almost yanked me off the
podium. Turning he said, “I love this child more than my own children!” Then we
walked down the aisle and out of the building with Grandma struggling to get
her heavy set frame up to go with us. She knew Grandpa, when he was angry he
was more apt to just get in the car and leave not thinking of who was with him.
I remember some of the conversation on the way home as she was angry at what
Grandpa had done. She referred to me as a bastard and Grandpa stepped on the
gas and yelled, “Be quiet woman.” And she did. That was the first time I heard
the word ‘bastard’, but not the last time.
I went into the house with that lonely little carrot and
replaced it with its buddies in the refrigerator. The dogs pranced around me
wanting to know what I brought them so I gave them each a treat and hugged my
babies who are there, first and foremost. The apples were sitting in the fruit
bowl arranged nicely so I sliced one up, put it on a plate and sliced some
cheese, added some crackers, then poured a large glass of chocolate milk. I
walked into the living room and the dogs followed just in case I decided I
might want to share.
Panda jumped up on the sofa on one side of me and Oscar on
the other. Panda kept barking at Jojo that he wasn’t getting any of this; it’s
just for the Danes not coy dogs. We watched a DVD of ‘Hildalgo’, and it made me
wish I had lived back then. The dogs finally gave up trying to beg for more
than two crackers with cheese each and went to sleep leaving me to watch the
rest of the movie alone. I put and arm out to touch each Dane and rested a foot
on Jojo. Then I joined them all falling asleep with Jojo at my feet and two
Danes at my side.
Being raised in the Oklahoma/Texas Bible belt was not easy
for a child of an unlucky birth. But that old man was my rescuer. Must be why I
understand thrown away lives. Those lives not considered worth the time. My
life was not considered worthy as I was going to hell no matter what because I
was a bastard. I remember looking at my body and trying to understand the
difference between me and my cousins. There had to be something wrong with me
for all my aunts and uncles to hate me so. Later I realized it was that
statement Grandfather made from the pulpit that angered them and set them
against me. As I turned into a teen and had suffered much abuse, mental, verbal
and some physical, at the hands of my aunts and uncles; I was angry. Had I been
a horse you would have seen me standing in the corner of the pasture snorting,
pawing the ground with my ears back. Domino was and still is, me.
It’s been about a month since I last saw Domino. I still
dreamt about him but the pain was going down some. As I drove past Roy’s I saw
two donkeys and a big black horse there. I didn’t stop but honked at Roy on his
tractor. Turning the corner onto the main road leading to the highway, I once
again had a conversation with God. “What did I do so wrong that I must do
without while other’s have? I know you could have supplied all that I need for
that horse and you could have supplied the way to get him. But you don’t! Why
do you hate me? My birthright was not my fault; it was yours for letting me be
born! And then you allow me to be in want all the time.” Tears of self-pity
began to fill my eyes and I wiped them with my forearm. I can’t stay like this!
I have so much that I shouldn’t have. God has blessed me and I should be happy
with it and not keep wanting more.
Grabbing the steering wheel I straightened myself up as I
saw the intersection coming into view. I have another friend who rescues
donkeys, horses, goats, pigs and dogs… she has about 100 plus acres so it’s not
a mess like it sounds. I always look that way to see the donkeys. This time was
no different but I saw something that made me hit the brakes and turn around.
As I pulled into her compound my eyes were glued to the round pen in the middle
of the drive. There was a Pinto and it was Domino! He was still angry and
uncomfortable in his pen.
While I waited in the truck for Mary I watched him
prancing around and snorting at another horse that is leaning his head over the
fence snorting back. She came out of the house and was smiling as she met me.
Roy had probably talked to her about me and Domino. She tells me the whole
story about the crazy lady running out of places to put Domino. When she pulled
him out of Roy’s she went down the road to her. The only problem was that this
is not a boarding facility, it’s a rescue facility. Animals left here are
signed over, relinquishing their ownership.
Mary told me that she figures the woman will be coming
back with the sheriff like always but she has her butt covered, so to speak. “I
also have to right to refuse a person the right to adopt one of my animals.”
She tells me and I am happy he is now safe. He will be taken care of here. I
leave feeling better and knowing I can come and visit. However my elation made
me forget she does adopt these animals out to other homes. I was once more in
good spirits and left a very confused horse to get acclimated to his new
surroundings. Little did I know this wasn’t going to last.
Several weeks had passed since I’d driven past Roy’s
house, or taken other routes so as not to see the pasture that no longer
contained my horse. I was anxious to stop and see Domino and had a nice apple
and several carrots by my side. I took the gravel road that doesn’t go by Roy’s
because it’s faster. I started to slow down as I approach Mary’s place. The
donkeys were lazy in the pasture grazing along with the horses. I began to pull
into the compound and notice the round pen was empty. I shut off the engine and
sat there once again my heart dropped out of my chest and lay there on the
floor of my truck barely beating. Mary came out smiling and waving. I decided
not to get out so I leaned out of the window and put on the best smile I can.
“So where is Domino? Out in the pasture?” hopeful I would
get an agreeing nod from her.
Mary
approached the truck and said, “No I made a trade and he is waiting somewhere
else to for his new owner to come and get him.”
Again with the heart dropping! “I traded him for a couple
of donkeys and took my gelding back.” All I could think was I will never see
him again, never. But this wasn’t about me it’s about Domino.
“So he’s in a good home?” I try to keep the smile but I’m
sure it was fading into some sort of cheesy grin.
“Yeah I
think he’s going to be in a wonderful home with someone who loves him very
much.” Mary says with a big smile. “Yeah he’ll be spoiled where he’s going.”
She laughed and we did some quick chit chat and I turned the key and said a
quick good bye and leave. My day had gone back to poor me and empty again.
I was suddenly in the center of town, although I didn’t
remember driving there. I guess I had spent the journey thinking about that
big-legged, fifteen or almost sixteen-hands-high Pinto.
“Why are
you being such a twit-brain?” I yelled out loud, forgetting that my window was
down. The man in the car driving alongside mine gave me a sour look and pressed
his foot down flat on the accelerator to get away from me.
My shopping done, I headed back home to my wonderful dogs
and my friendly little goat. They gave me plenty of love, so I would never be
lonely. I forgot that I wanted to go down the gravel road, and I instinctively
turned towards Roy’s place. As a force of habit I happened to look over, and
there in the pasture was Domino with his head peeking over the fence, his eyes
staring accusingly at me. I put the brakes on, shoved the transmission into
reverse and backed up, nearly taking out their mail box in the process!
Digging through the grocery bags and spilling most of the
contents all over the back seat, I grabbed the apple and carrots and jumped out
of the truck. I walked slowly over to Domino, and he didn’t pull his head back
while taking the carrots and apple. Once again I amazed at how he took small
bites of the apple, chewing each one thoroughly before going to get another
bite.
“Hey there! Come to get your horse?” Roy was on the other
side of the fence, leaning over it and smiling at me.
“I sure wish I could,” I said, “but I don’t have the money
to build a corral, or to pay you for him.”
“Look, I’ll tell you what,” Roy said, smiling his big
smile. “I’ll give him to you for the price of the feed she rooked me for. And
while you’re building your corral, I’ll keep him here and you can supply his
feed. Domino is your horse, and he loves you – he has been waiting here for you
to come by. See how he is going away now? Well, he ain’t been doing that with
me, or anyone else. He has just been waiting ever since he got here watching
the road.”
“Let me think on it,” I said, expecting Roy to agree that
it was a bad idea.
“You think on it,” he said, “then you come and get your
horse. In the meantime I’m going to cut off his mane and tail to relieve him of
some of those matts. He’s welcome to stay here for a while.” Roy waved goodbye
and went back to taking care of the goats.
I tossed and turned that night, waking up several times in
spite of the sleep meds I had taken. I went into the living room in the middle
of the night and lit up a cigarette. I just sat there for a spell, trying to
work out a way I could get my hands on that horse. I had no idea why I wanted a
wild mustang that I would probably never be able to ride.
As I drove into town the next day, a thought struck me out
of the blue. Maybe I could apply for a loan? I guessed there was no harm in
trying, although I highly doubted that I would be able to get it as I live on a
very fixed income and barely make it through the month. I filled out the papers
in the loan company’s office, and the lady told me they would contact me in a
few days to let me know. Then I went home and counted down the minutes and the
seconds. About the only time I stopped waiting was when I was nose to nose with
Domino, and he was taking his tiny bites from the little apples and chewing and
looking at me like he was talking to me. Sometimes I would stroke his face, but
he wasn’t totally sure about me yet. I think he knew he loved me, but he didn’t
know why. We shared the same feelings, and we were confused together.
Almost two weeks went by and finally the phone rang – it
was the loan company. I was waiting for the inevitable rejection when, to my
absolute amazement, the lady said yes! OK! They then took two brutal months to
finally give me the money, but at last I got the call to go pick it up at the
title company. In the meantime I had been buying hay and taking it over to
Roy’s for Domi. When I got my hands on the money I rushed straight out to buy
the lumber for the corral. I wanted it to be large enough so that he could run
around in it. I worked hard on it, even though sometimes I didn’t want to pull
myself out of bed because of the relentless pain of arthritis and fibromyalgia
ravaging my body – but in the end I simply had to do it, because my horse
needed me to.
My horse!
My horse!
He was my horse!
Thank you, God!
After the corral was built and Domino settled in yet still
going to the corner and growling at me, I talked to Mary who was happy I agreed
to take him. She had told Roy to give me Domino and that was the happy home he
was going to. I was the one she knew was going to spoil him rotten with love.
She was right.
Tawny O’Hara
is the author of Angels Come with Fur, an amazing story of love and
living. Recommended reading for everyone!
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